I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
