ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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