You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
