Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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