YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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