I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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