Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
