Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I think weed is turning my hair brown
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
