chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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