you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
