I think I just saw someone hide a body.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Randomize
