You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
