quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
