I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Randomize
