My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
