the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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