lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
