Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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