i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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