my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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