Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
