Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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