There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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