All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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