If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
