im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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