sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
