I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
