She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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