what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
