you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
