why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
