this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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