my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
