I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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