Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
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