Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Randomize
