literally had 100 drinks last night.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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