Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
