Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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