Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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