No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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