my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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