Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
