bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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