I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
