i'm signing you up for texting rehab
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
