He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
