Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Randomize
