Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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