LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Randomize
