mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I could fuck to npr.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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