he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
