Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
